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Sir John Reid Hatchporch answers your questions!
Updated March 28th, 2001.
Why not submit one heretoday?!?! It can be as random or as serious as you like...a question about our website, about the color of our socks, about hairdo's and don'ts...we vow to answer any and all questions that come along. Do it. It'll make you feel all good and nice inside.
We've received an influx of questions recently, and have thus added a handy index. Click on a question below or scroll down and peruse the entire list.
1.
Why is it called Crapple Records when you don't seem to be selling any
music?
2.
So, if you don't sell records, what do you sell? What do
you sell???
3.
I searched for Crapple on the web and all I got was some pages that ridiculed
Macintosh computers.
4.
Guitars or synthesizers?
5.
Wasn't that guy in the cap and gown that used to be on the front page in
an a cappella group?
6.
But I surfed on in here from that very a cappella web site!
7.
Hey, wait! Wasn't Louis Tully the character played by Rick Moranis
in the film "Ghostbusters"?
8.
C'mon, really. Who's the guy in the Louis costume?
9.
Isn't this Crapple thing really just a ruse anyway, and the site is actually
run by that one guy?
10.
Furthermore, isn't it true that I really don't exist, and that you are
actually supplying these questions yourself?
11.
Say there, is that a picture of Rick Moranis on your entrance page?
12.
Wait a minute, didn't you just say a moment ago that Louis was a...oh I've
gone crosseyed.
13.
How soon is now?
14.
I often dream about being dismembered. What does this mean?
15.
Who is Keyser Soze?
16.
What is the sound of silence?
17.
Why can I grow and paper can't?
18.
Why's everybody always pickin' on me?
19.
Is there something in the woodshed? If so, is it of a non-wood nature?
20.
What does They Might Be Giants have to do with apples?
21.
Why do you have 20 megabytes, and what do they have to do with apples?
22.
Please explain the process by which you renamed the splash page the "front
door."
23.
How far does the corporate arm of Crapple Records reach?
24.
What do I have to do with apples?
25.
Where in the Web is Carmen Sandy Apples?
26.
Are you a produce expert?
27.
What does the second "R" stand for in Sir J.R.R. Hatchporch's name?
28.
Is there a basement in the Alamo? If there is can we see it?
Q: Why is it called Crapple Records when you don't seem to be selling any music?
A: Oh, that's like asking "why is the sky blue?," or "why do they call it a squeegee?," or "how in the hell did Pauly Shore get an acting career?" The truth of the matter is that it's just a fact of nature.
That didn't nearly answer your question, did it?
Essentially, Crapple is a play on Apple Records, the latter being the 60s-70s record label that The Beatles co-founded. Crapple Records began as a small, mega-independent label in the early 1990s. In fact, it was so small that it only housed one artist's home recordings. (These recordings will soon be explained in far greater detail on this web page.) Crapple eventually branched out from releasing records, and is now just one huge multimedia conglomerate, spanning the globe with its good natured entertainment, winning smile and refreshing minty taste.
UPDATED OCTOBER 21ST, 2004:
It has come to our attention that a band named The Funky Beatles had a release entitled "Struttin' Yesterday" on a Crapple Records label. This is not us and is no way affilliated with us. It's unclear when "Struttin' Yesterday" was released, but we're fairly sure our label predates theirs. For more information, go here.
We *will* be selling music here soon. After a hiatus of several years, our founder recently got back up on the horse and is recording his first full length album in ten years. You can read all about it here!
Q: So, if you don't sell records, what do you sell? What do you sell???
A: We sell biscuits and gravy all over the southland.
Q: I searched for Crapple on the web and all I got was some pages that ridiculed Macintosh computers.
A: Hmmmmm, yes, we see.
A: Synths, definitely.
Q: Wasn't that guy in the cap and gown that used to be on the front page in an a cappella group?
A: What is an "a cappella group"? Isn't that a large body of water with many scattered islands?
Q: But I surfed on in here from that very a cappella web site!
A: The world is a sticky place, full of rumors, chicanery and misinformation.
Q: Hey, wait! Wasn't Louis Tully the character played by Rick Moranis in the film "Ghostbusters"?
A: No! The Louis Demon Project portrays actual incidents that occured at the University of Redlands in 1996 and 1998. It is a true story.
Q: C'mon, really. Who's the guy in the Louis costume?
A: We have no time for these shenanigans.
Q: Isn't this Crapple thing really just a ruse anyway, and the site is actually run by that one guy?
A: I can see there's no fooling you, Anakin. I suppose you don't believe in Santa Claus or The Easter Bunny either...or that Paul McCartney died in a car accident in 1965 and was replaced by a look-alike. Tch.
Q: Furthermore, isn't it true that I really don't exist, and that you are actually supplying these questions yourself?
A: Errrr, I think I left the iron on...
Q: Say there, is that a picture of Rick Moranis on your entrance page?
A: The answer, in fact, is a resounding "no!" That is our very own Sir John Reid Hatchporch dressed up as Moranis' Keymaster character from "Ghostbusters."
Q: Wait a minute, didn't you just say a moment ago that Louis was a...oh I've gone crosseyed.
A: So have we. So do shut up.
A: Later than then.
Blake Van Vliet of La Habra, CA. asks:
Q: I often dream about being dismembered. What does this mean?
A: Well, everyone has to have goals, now don't they? So keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for a chainsaw.
Angela from Rancho Cucamonga, CA. throws us a pair of perplexing poseurs:
A: He is a delectable deli sandwich only available in Cuba.
Q: What is the sound of silence?
A: ...
Sarah Starr from Torrington, CT. throws us a gaggle of "pressing questions":
Q: Why can I grow and paper can't? NEW!
A: 'Cause paper doesn't drink milk! Silly!
Q: Why's everybody always pickin' on me? NEW!
A: The fashionable thing to do here would be to make a jibe at your mama, we presume, but there's just too much of that going around these days.
Q: Is there something in the woodshed? If so, is it of a non-wood nature? NEW!
A: There's nothing in the woodshed...except maybe some wood.
Christopher Thaxter
of Los Angeles, CA. says "Your site was confusing me and I thought I would
ask some pertinent
questions, so that
I may better enjoy my visit in the future." Now then...:
Q: What does They Might Be Giants have to do with apples? NEW!
A: Well, they might be apples. (And what are we gonna do unless they are?)
Q: Why do you have 20 megabytes, and what do they have to do with apples? NEW!
A: Well, 20 is a nice round number, innit? And unfortunately it's all Freeservers allots us. As for the apple connection...well, Apple is a type of computer, you know. Computers...megabytes...you get the idea. Of course this explanation is debunked by the fact that we at Crapple use IBM computers exclusively. Oh dear, fetch me some Aspirin...
Q: Please explain the process by which you renamed the splash page the "front door." NEW!
A: We scratched our collective chins pensively, mulled it over a bit, slept on it, came back in the morning, opened up the page on our computer in Netscape Composer, renamed it, re-uploaded it, and the rest, as they say, is history!
Q: How far does the corporate arm of Crapple Records reach? NEW!
A: Long enough to smack you right in the face for asking that. Errrr, sorry.
Q: What do I have to do with apples? NEW!
A: Re-read your question and then take a gander at the background of this page. Well, look at that, you're affiliated with apples now! Crapples even! A proud day for you and your family, to be sure.
Q: Where in the Web is Carmen Sandy Apples? NEW!
A: Um...our best suggestion to you would be to try http://www.carmensandyapples.com. But as Gordon Gano once said, "this is only a guess."
Q: Are you a produce expert? NEW!
A: No ma'am. We're musicians.
Q: What does the second "R" stand for in Sir J.R.R. Hatchporch's name? NEW!
A; The second "R" in...oh, WE see what your problem is! You seem to be confusing our own Sir John Reid Hatchporch with the famous writer and theologian J.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.R.Tolkein, whose name actually stands for John Really Really Really Required R's Rin Rhis Rname Tolkein. (The R's at the beginning of the last three R words there are silent, you see.)
Les Salva asks:
Q: Is there a basement in the Alamo? If there is can we see it? NEW!
A: A good friend of ours - known for his short cropped black hair and affinity for makeup, bow ties, platform shoes and bicycles - once headed down to Texas to investigate just that. He was, apparently, laughed off the premises. He did, however, learn how to say "adobe" and "buenos dias."
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