Squeegee Your Third Eye

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"Squeegee Your Third Eye":
A Modest Bill Hicks Tribute

"Bill Hicks--blowtorch, excavator, truthsayer and brain specialist, like a reverend waving a gun around. Pay attention to 'Rant in E Minor,' it is a major work, as important as Lenny Bruce's. He will correct your vision. His life was cut short by cancer, though he did leave his tools here. Others will drive on the road he built. Long may his records rant even though he can't."
—Tom Waits

On February 26th, 1994, at 11:20 p.m. Central time--ten years ago to the exact minute I'm uploading this--comedian/commentator Bill Hicks died of pancreatic cancer. He was 32 years old.

Bill was and still is one of my heroes.

The first time I saw Bill was on a Rodney Dangerfield "Young Comedians" special in the late '80s called "Nothin' Goes Right." He did a couple of hilarious--but pretty tame--bits about a poedunk character named Elmer Dinkley and smoking. He concluded the set with a truly brilliant bit about an ex girlfriend, and what would happen to her in the future.

Years later, I saw him on the HA! show "Comics Only" and learned he was coming out with a new album, "Dangerous." The true fandom began there. I took a family trip to Spain in 1991 and have vivid memories of driving around listening to the "Dangerous" cassette I'd made over and over. I was 14 years old.

A year later, another classic album followed: "Relentless." Bill stayed relatively under the radar, at least in the US. In the UK he was already turning into a superstar. He did make sporadic TV appearances over here, including a famous gig on Letterman. Hicks did a bit about abortion that was subsequently banned by CBS. It was the last time Hicks appeared on TV...or was supposed to appear, as the case may be.

In 1994, I saw a special on Comedy Central entitled "It's Just A Ride" that featured interviews with people Hicks had worked with as well as clips of the man at work. It was the first time I'd heard of Hicks' death.

Rather than go on and on about how great Bill Hicks was, or trying to make him out to be some sort of martyr or messiah, we're going to take a different approach and post some of our favorite Bill Hicks bits from over the years. We could go on for days listing Hicks' most brilliant bits, but we'll try and keep it down to our top favorites. Note: this is no subtitute for actually hearing the bits from the man himself. You can order Bill's albums and videos at Sacred Cow. CDs are available in finer retail stores.

Some of these words are eerily prophetic. It may just be a case of history repeating, but the effect can be quite unsettling. Keep in mind all of these quotes are from ten years ago, or more. Also, some of these quotes are not for the easily offended. If you are under the age of 18 (or an ultra-right wing conservative), you may want to HEAD BACK TO THE MAIN SITE.

It's a shame Bill isn't around anymore...we could really use his observations right about now in this rapidly devolving ol' world of ours. Bill was a firecracker whose fuse blew out far too early. Enjoy the wit and wisdom of Bill Hicks.

DRUGS

"I'd like to see a positive LSD story. Would that be news worthy? Just once? Hear what it's all about?:

"'Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there's no such thing as death, life is only a dream and we're the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.'"

"Anyone remember this? When Yul Brynner died and came out with that commercial after he was dead?"

"'I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now.'

"What the f---'s THIS guy sellin'? I'm all ears!

"'I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now 'cause I smoked cigarettes.'

"Okay, pretty scary. But they could have done that with anyone. They could have done that with that Jim Fixx guy, too. Remember that guy? That health nut who died while jogging? I don't remember seein' his commercial!

"'I'm Jim Fixx and I'm dead now....and I don't know WHAT the f--- happened. I jogged every day, ate nothing but tofu, swam 500 laps every morning, I'm dead. Yul Brynner drank, smoked and got laid every night of his life. HE'S dead. S---!'"

"I knew we were in trouble when that damn egg commercial, that guy, I knew, that was the government's take on drugs, you know, we're f---ed, believe me. 'Here's your brain.' I've seen a lot of weird s--- on drugs, I've never ever ever ever ever EVER looked at an egg...and thought it was a f---in' brain, not once. Alright? I HAVE seen UFO's split the sky like a SHEET but I have never ever EVER looked at an EGG and thought it was a f---n' brain...not once. I have had seven balls of light come OFF of a UFO, lead me onto their SHIP, EXPLAIN to me telepathically that we are all ONE and there is no such thing as death, but I have never ever ever EVER looked at an egg...and thought it was a f---in' brain. Now...maybe I wasn't getting good s---."

"I just cannot believe in a war against drugs when they have anti-drug commercials on TV all day long followed by...'this Bud's for you.' I got news for ya, folks. A1, alcohol is a drug. B2, and here's the rub, alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin...combined each year. So...thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic drug den here tonight...you fine, upstanding citizens, you...wink wink, nudge nudge. Now...you know what? If I was gonna have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol, because there's better drugs and better drugs FOR you. That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue.

"'Well, wait a minute, Bill. Alcohol is an acceptable form of social interaction, which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated and formed...social expansion and they will congregate...

"Shut the f--- up. Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs...I see through you."

"If you don't believe drugs have done some good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight and take all your records, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn 'em. 'Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreal f---in' high on drugs. Man, the Beatles were so high, they let RINGO sing a couple of tunes. Tell me they weren't partyin'. 'We all live in a yellow submarine...a yellow submarine...' 'We all live in a...,' do you know how f---in' high they were when they wrote that? They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a RAKE to sing that f---in' song."

"Everything they tell you about pot is a LIE. They tell you pot smoking makes you unmotivated, a LIE. When you're high you can do everything you normally do just as well, you just realize...it's not worth the f---in' effort. 'Sure, I could get up at dawn, get in traffic, go to a job I hate and does not inspire me creatively whatsoever for the rest of my life. I could do that, sure! OR...I could sleep 'til noon...get up and learn how to play the sitar!'"

ENTERTAINMENT

"We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow connnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-TINUES to put out f---in' albums! G--dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some f---in' taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house. 'Hop in the car, I know where Wham! lives!'"

"They're putting music to aged germs, puttin' a drum machine behind 'em and Ted Turner's colorizing 'em, G--dammit. These aren't even really people. It's a CIA plot to make you think malls are good."

"He's a demon...set loose on the earth to lower the standards."

"Everyone is hawkin' products. That's like the highest thing you can achieve now, isn't it? Become some barker? Sinatra hawks beer...he doesn't have enough money, does he? No. Nothin' sacred to these f---s. I'm waitin' to see 'it's Jesus for Miller!' 'I was crucified, died for three days, resurrected and waited 2,000 years to return to earth. It's Miller time!'"

"The reason I'm gonna quit performing is because I got my own TV show coming out next Fall on CBS, so...thank you. Finally. It's not a talk show. *AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!* 'Dear God, thank you! Thank Jesus, thank Buddha, thank Mohammed, thank Allah, thank Krishna, thank, uh, every f---in' god in the book!' *AHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!* Please relax. *AHHHHHH!* No, it's not a talk show. It's a half hour weekly show that I will host entitled 'Let's Hunt And Kill Billy Ray Cyrus.' Cool, cool, alright. So y'all be tunin' in? C-cool! It's a fairly self-explanatory plot, uh...each week we let the hounds of Hell loose and we chase that jarhead, no talent, cracker asshole all over the globe...'til I finally catch that fruity little ponytail of his in the back...pull him to his knees, put a shotgun in his mouth like a big black c--- of death. *BOOM!* And we'll be back in '95 with 'Let's Hunt And Kill Michael Bolton.' So...thank you very much. I'm just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious and making us pay a higher psychic price than we imagined."

"I'm kinda bummed because I'm missing right now even as we speak, my favorite cultural train wreck, 'The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.' I'm like a rubberbecker, man. Every night, it's the crash of f---in' metal when that show starts. Me and my friends have a little office pool wondering when exactly which episode and which guest is gonna be on the night Jay finally puts a nine millimeter in his mouth and blows his Dorito shilling head off his f---in' body. I think it's gonna be Joey Lawrence from the show 'Blossom,' uhhhhh...other of my friends beg to differ and think Patrick Duffy a more likely culprit.

"'So hi, everyone, welcome to the show. Tonight we have Joey Lawrence. Hi, Joey. How are ya? It's good to see ya again. Boy, it was always my comedic dream to be 44 years old and interviewin' a little Tony Danza wannabe every three months. Boy I'm fully fulfilled as a human, spiritually. So, anyway, Joey, you're 16 now, you're 16 years old?'

"'Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.'

"'That's great. You gotta licesne? Ya drivin'? Ya drivin'?'

"'Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.'

"'That's great, ya gotta license. Ya gotta car? Ya gotta car?'

"'Yeahhhhhhhhhhhh.'

"'Ya gotta girlfriend, hmmm? Ya datin' somebody? Anybody special?'

"'Yeah, no, well, she thinks so, I don't, hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.'

"'Good God, what have I done with my life?' *Ch-chick...PLOOOSH!*

"His brains splew out, forming an NBC peacock on the wall behind him...

"*PBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

"...'cause he's a company man 'til the bitter f---in' end. It all started when he did the Doritos commercial. Here's the deal, folks. You do a commercial, you're off the artistic roll call FOREVER. End of story. Okay? You're another corporate f---in' shill, you're another whore at the capitalist gangbang, and if you do a commercial, there's a price on your head, everything you say is suspect, and every word that comes out of your mouth is now like a TURD falling into my drink."

MISCELLANEOUS

"Last week I was in Nashville, Tennessee. After the show I went to a waffle house. I'm not proud of it, but I was hungry. And I'm sittin' there and I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? I'm alone, I don't know anybody, I'm eating and reading a book. Fine. Right? Waitress comes over to me...'Whatchoo readin' for?' I said 'wow, I've never been asked that. God dangit you stumped me!' Not what am I read-ING, but what am I reading FOR? Well, I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but one of the main ones is so I don't end up...bein' a f---in' waffle waitress. Yeah, that'd have to be pretty high up on the list. Then this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes 'wellllllll, looks like we got ourselves a reader.' What the f---'s goin' on here? It's like I walked into a Klan rally in a Boy George costume or somethin', y'know? This is a book, I read."

"I'm very tired of travellin'...and uh...very tired of doin' comedy, and uh...very tired of starin' out at your vacant faces lookin' back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening."

"HERE is my final thought. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography, whatever that is. WHAT business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see or take into my body as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? And for those of you out there who are having a little moral dilemma in your head, how to answer that question, I'll answer it for you. NONE of your f---in' business. Take that to the bank, cash it and go F--- it on a vacation out of my life."

"Where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting, I'll tell you that. 'Oh, childbirth is such a miracle, it's such a MIR-acle!' Wrong. No more a miracle than eatin' food and a TURD comin' outta your ass. You know what a miracle is? A miracle is raisin' a kid who doesn't talk at a f---in' movie theater. THAT, THAT...THERE'S your g--damn miracle."

"How many of y'all wondered like I did, during the L.A riots, when those people were bein' pulled out of their trucks and beaten half to death...how many of y'all wondered like I did...'STEP on the f---in' GAS, man! They're on FOOT, you're in a TRUCK...I think I see a way outta this!' It's that DAMN pedestrian right of way law. Gang of youths stepped in front of their truck, molotov cocktails, clubs in hand...every one of these California idiots...*ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOO* FREEZE FRAME! Dunt-dunt-dunt dunna nuh nuh nuh..."

"This guy, Officer COON--is life too f---in' weird or what?--Officer COON looks in the camera and actually says:

"'Oh, that Rodney King beating tape...it's all in how you look at it.'

"Courtroom murmurs: 'Jesus, what balls! I've never seen balls of this magnitude! You must have a specially fitted uniform...in which to place these large testicles. That's incredible. All in how you look at it, Officer...Coon. *ahem*'

"'That's right. It's how you LOOK at the tape.'

"'Well, would you care to tell the court...how you're lookin' at that?'

"'Yeah, okay, sure. It's how you look at it...the tape. For instance, well, if you play it backwards, you see us help King up and send him on his way!'

"By the way, if anyone here is in marketing or advertising...KILL yourself. Thank you. Just planting seeds, planting seeds is all I'm doing. No joke here, really, seriously kill yourself, you have no rationalization for WHAT you do, you are SATAN'S little helpers...kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show. Serious, I know the marketing people, 'there's gonna be a joke comin' up.' There's NO f---in' joke. Suck a tailpipe, hang yourself, borrow a pistol from an NRA buddy, do somethin'...rid the world of your evil f---in' presence. Okay, back to the show. Plantin' seeds. Do they bear fruit? I don't know. Feel better plantin' 'em. You know what bugs me, though? I know everyone here who's in marketing is now thinkin' the same thing:

"'Oh, cool...Bill's goin' for that anti-marketing dollar. That's a huge market.'

"Ahhhhh, quit it, quit it! Don't turn everything into a dollar sign, PLEASE!

"'Ooooooooh, the plea for sanity dollar! Huge...HUUUUUUGE market! Look at our research!'"

"People SUCK and that's my contention, I can prove it on scratch paper and a pen, give me a f---in' Etch-A-Sketch, I'll do it in three minutes, the proof, the fact, the factorum, I'll show my work, case closed. Tired of this back-slappin' 'aren't humanity neat?' Bulls---, we're a virus with shoes. That's all we are."

POLITICS

"People acted as if the Supreme Court APPROVED the flag burning:

"'Does that we mean we have to burn our flags? They said that...'

"No no no no NO! That's not what they said. They said that perhaps if someone wants to burn a flag, he perhaps doesn't need to go to jail FOR A YEAR. Pretty harsh on their parts, huh?

"'Does that mean we have to burn...they said that, they said that we should burn...'

"They didn't say that, they didn't say that...they didn't say that...

"'Does that mean I have to go out and...'

"No no no no NO! Listen. Read. Think. Calm down. Relax. Shut the F--- up!

"'Well I don't get it, I don't wanna burn my flag!'

"THEN DONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN'T!

"People snapped over this. Did you watch that? People were like:

"'Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag!'

"'Really? Wow, I bought mine. Yeah, they sell 'em, at K-Mart and s---, yeah.'

"'Yeah, he died in the Korean War for that flag.'

"'Wow, what a coincidence, mine was MADE in Korea!'"

"I'll show ya politics in America, here it is, right here:

"'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.'

"'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.'

"'Hey wait a minute, there's one guy holdin' up both puppets!'

"'Shut up! Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control. Here's 'Love Connection.' Watch this and get fat and stupid. By the way, keep drinkin' beer, you f---in' morons!'"

"But I am so sick of hearing about...'well, YOUR leaders misspent YOUR hard earned tax dollars so YOU the people now have to TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS...and we gotta start payin' this back, because WE, YOUR leaders, misspent your money.' You know what'd make tightenin' my belt a little easier? If I could tighten it around Jesse Helms' scrawny little chicken neck. 'Ahhhh, I feel better about the sacrifice right now!'"

RELATIONSHIPS

"I was reading about Vincent Van Gogh...you know what he did...cut off his ear, SENT it to the girl that LEFT him. Yeah, that makes a dozen roses look like a BOOGER, dudnit?"

"On the bright side I'm glad she left, 'cause you know what? It helped my career. 'Cause I'm driven now. I'm driven now by a fantasy that one day this girl who I loved more than anything in the world and she said she loved me then left...one day she's gonna be gonna be living, someday, in a trailer park, somewhere in Alabama...living with this ex-welder, 600 pounds, fur all over his back, drinks warm beer, farts, belches, beats the kids, watches the 'Dukes of Hazzard' every f---in' night...and has to have it explained to him. She's gonna have nine naked little kids with rickets that bring dead animals from the side of the road for them to eat at night...burrs in their hair, mud on their face, rats laying babies in their ears at night. One night, that welder's gonna be makin' love to her and he's gonna be on top, and suddenly his heart's gonna explode, and she's gonna be trapped under 600 pounds of flaccid, fishbelly cellulite...shifting like the tides of the ocean as blood, phlegm and bile pours out of his mouth and nose...into her face. And just before she drowns in that tepid puddle of afterbirth, she's gonna turn to 'The Tonight Show' and I'm gonna be on it. So you see, I'm not bitter."

"It's just depressing, you know what I mean? Michael Bolton, Garth Brooks, Achy Breaky f---in' dick, this guy is...Ted Bundy getting wedding proposals...you know, we're f---ed up here, man. I guarantee you Satan's gonna have no problems on this planet, 'cause all the women are gonna go 'what a cute BUTT!'"

"What is the psychology of women that put up with wife beaters, man? You know? What the f---'s the psychology to that? It really makes you feel hopeless, man, you try and be a good guy, a nice guy and...you ladies, and I know, and you know what, I know y'all love Billy Ray Cyrus. Don't lie to me. He's a...he...I'm talkin' to the women here. Yeah BULLLLLLLLs---, f--- you, you doooooooo. Oh yeah, he sold five million albums and all the guys here bought 'em. F--- you. 'He's a HUNNNNNNNNNNNK!' F---in' HOMUNCULUS MONGOLOID. No wonder this country's becoming like DOG PATCH if that's who you wanna RUT with. F--- any women here would f---in' almost break her PELVIS opening her legs for that mongoloid F--- to drop his filthy cracker seed into your f---in' womb. Liar. Liars! LIARS!"

RELIGION

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back, he ever wants to see a f---in' cross? It's kinda like goin' up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

"I was over in Australia during Easter, which was interesting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant BUNNY RABBIT...left chocolate eggs in the night. Now...I wonder why we're f---ed up as a race. Anybody?"

"But I've always found religion to be fascinating. Ideas such as how people act on their beliefs. Pro lifers murdering doctors. AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Pro lifers murderin' people...AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Ya know, it's irony on a base level, but I LIKE it. You know what I mean? It's real basic irony but still, you can get a HOOT, it's a HOOT...it's a f---in' HOOOOOOOOOOT! 'We're pro life and we'll KILL your ass.'"

"And I love watchin' the Pope bounce around in his little Popemobile...that's gotta be hoot #1 on my f---in' CNN list. I want a whole show of the Pope just bouncin' around in that all terrain Popemobile with the THREE FEET of bulletproof plexiglass around him. Boy, THERE'S faith in action. You see, you know he's the spokesman for God because...only God's spokesman would need bulletproof plexiglass. Don't you think? Don't y'all read that the same way?"

"Christianity's the weird one though, you know. Christianity's such an odd religion, you know. I was raised that way, you know, and you just suffer for it, you know. The whole image is that, you know, eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions God's infinite love. That's the message, innit, that we're brought with? 'Believe or die!'"

"I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now."

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